I am sorry…

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I’m writing today from yet another life inspiration…. ANGER

No – I’m not inspired by anger, the way you might be thinking.  I wouldn’t want to be either.  It is just a spur or a stimulus that has much significance in my life.  I don’t know where it comes from or what causes it.  What I do know is, that it brings a world of sufferance – unto others, unto one’s own self.

For someone who seems to know so much and so well, I should have been a master of controlling this pitiful emotion.  However, I have to shamefully admit, I’m less than acceptable at the art of anger management.

I struggle every day to be more aware.  I try to catch it before it catches me and defeat it, or at least tame it to be my friend.  Like ‘streaks of brilliance’, I sometimes savour ‘streaks of victory’.  Other times, I’m defeated…. Defeated temporarily, determined to do better next time – whatever next time is, but never without remorse.  Remorse for hurting or crushing a loved one – someone I’d easily lay my life down for.

I believe in Karma.  Makes it even more ironical therefore that I would allow a reckless display of temper to take over, because at the end of my life, if there is a looking back – I’m scared to imagine how much I need to repay for hurting people only by simply letting anger get the better of me.

I’m sending this post out into space like I would blow a lash away into the air after making a wish.  Sending it out to you…. Whoever ‘you’ happen to be.

If you happen to be another me, read this and read it again.  Read it a million times, take a leaf out of my book and learn from the mistakes I’m making.  Don’t wait to make your own.

If you aren’t like me, know how small and heartless it feels to be as weak as I am and let it inspire you NEVER to walk down my path.

And…

If you happen to be the person I have stabbed with my cruelness, venom and sickening rage, then above everything else, know that I am inconceivably sorry.

I have cried twice over for every teardrop I gave you. I recognize that you are infinitely a better human being than I am. Know that I am struggling earnestly every second of my life to be like you. I have a lump in my throat even as I try to take a shot at expressing how it makes me feel to have lashed out needlessly at you when I did.

I fear I might even do it again.

At the bottom of all of this, I love and respect you more than anything in the world, because you love me and embrace me (with all my rotten and appalling flaws) despite me.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. shilpam says:

    i know quite well where you are coming from, i too have done some irreparable damage to some people for whom i feel strongest about, i have written and spoken to them to explain why these eruptions happen but i think the damage has been done and they are always wary of how i might react. Strangely and conversely this only happens with those i feel strongly about and who make me vulnerable but in a general sense most people who i am friendly with may not even believe i can do what i sometimes do. Am trying very very hard to put things in perspective and ensure i remain as sedate as i can, it works sometimes and at times it does not. Got to keep trying. Hope you find your solution too. Cheers & good luck 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Shilpa. I am lucky not to have done any irreversible damage. I am lucky to have always been forgiven and for the incident to have been forgotten and I totally know where you’re coming from when u say that “strangely and conversely this only happens with those i feel strongly about and who make me vulnerable but in a general sense most people who i am friendly with may not even believe i can do what i sometimes do.”

      Believe you me, I’m trying every day to put things into perspective and a little bit of “self talking/ introspection” coupled with tweaking a few personal belief systems have gone a long way. I am getting there. I know you are too. Cheers and peace always. Thank you for writing in.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. shilpam says:

        small correction – the name is shilpam, not shilpa ( a he, not a she) it’s a bit of a tongue twister but that’s what it is, shilpam 🙂

        Like

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